One day my enmy have some handle in my hand,I will never let he die good.

One day my enmy have some handle in my hand,I will never let he die good.
I lost my frist love,so heart it is! I can't bear it,what should I do,should I hate this word?Sometimes I think so.It's almost two months and everynight when I missed her I want to get a knife and dig up my heart,but I don't.I love her,and give my everything to her.
Maybe It's my fault.I admit sometime I said something make her unhappy,but I know it's my fault,I said sorry to her.why am I said such bad words? When I want get something(not really something but same message or let she to do something with me)she always said no,and so heart in my heart,so I did that.Everytime I said that bad things I aways said sorry to her,and now I am trying to change myself,and somechange had happened.But she never forgive me.Everynight I sleep after two o'clock,missing her,and very tired,then sleeping.Sometimes I dream of her,but I can't forget her.She cut every connections,I have do my best to get her back. I said much fine words,but I received greatly distressed.If so,I want her back.